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I finally found the source of an aggravating bug (I hope it's a bug). Take a look at this!
That's a default Microsoft font too! It's the same in the dropdown except because the tiny width of it, you can't read past 18-20 characters anyways, so it's harder to notice what's happening.
For whatever reason, when you select one of these fonts and run the report in desktop, they render fine. But view it in a browser and none of those fonts that get cut off will work.
If you have a Pro license you can open a Pro ticket at https://admin.powerplatform.microsoft.com/newsupportticket/powerbi
Otherwise you can raise an issue at https://community.fabric.microsoft.com/t5/Issues/idb-p/Issues .